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Spotting the Red Flags in an Online Relationship

Annie Lane on

Dear Annie: I met this guy who seems to be my soulmate. He lives in America, and I'm in South Africa. However, he refuses to meet me and says it's because he is a celebrity.

He is manipulative and constantly makes me cry. He wants me to send him money before we meet, but because I can't -- I just don't have the funds he's asked for -- he has not spoken to me for nearly three weeks now. He sulks and, in general, behaves like a child.

I love this man, but I don't like this behavior. We are both adults and should act as such. He said before we stopped talking that I needed to send him $8,000, which he knows very well is unrealistic. I'm at my wits' end. Can you please advise? -- Used and Upset

Dear Used and Upset: As much as you think you "love" this man, you know better than anyone that this relationship is a scam. If he truly cared for you, he wouldn't be making you cry or giving you the silent treatment, not to mention asking you for thousands of dollars. I see nothing here but red flags, and I'm confident you do, too. Call it quits immediately.

Dear Annie: I'm in a terrible conflict with my closest friend "Claudia" and can't figure out the way forward. We're both in our early 30s and have been friends for seven years, having met through her now-husband and my ex-husband, who are childhood friends. Claudia supported me through a traumatic divorce two years ago, and we became like family. But since then, I've struggled with depression, moving back in with my parents in another state and losing my job, while she got engaged, landed a high-powered job and recently married.

The conflict began when she announced her wedding date. I immediately asked if my ex and his new wife would be invited, which upset her as she felt I should have congratulated her first. We argued over this and other prior moments where I felt she had been unfairly aggressive (she's a straight-shooting CEO; I prefer a gentler approach).

Eventually, I attended her bachelorette party but was emotionally drained and dreading questions from women who knew about my divorce, and I didn't hide my lack of excitement. This caused her to act coldly toward me. She later told me she needed me to be in a better mental state for her wedding, and I brought up how hurt I was by her dismissiveness at the bachelorette. She exploded, saying our friendship had been all about me for three years, that she needed space, and that she was reconsidering our relationship.

 

Her wedding took place last month (I'm happy I wasn't there to cross paths with folks I dreaded), and I recently discovered she friended my ex's new wife on Instagram, which has left me furious. Annie, who is in the wrong here? What am I missing? Should I be upset by her connection with that woman? I still love her, but I'm worried the friendship has run its course. I'm so lost. Please advise. -- Lost, Loving Friend

Dear Loving Friend: It isn't about who's "right" or "wrong." You and Claudia are in different seasons of life right now, so it makes sense that you both might feel unsupported and are struggling to relate to one another.

It's normal for friendships to ebb and flow. What you need to consider is whether you really want things to flow between you two once more. Do you think things are worth salvaging with Claudia? With this recent space and more honest, direct communication, does it feel possible to move past these bumps in the road? Repairing this relationship will require grace and forgiveness from you both.

And as far as Claudia's relationship with your ex's new wife, try to understand how she's obligated to treat her husband's best friend's new partner.

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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.


 

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