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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends, all gainfully employed adults, will often invite a group out to dinner or drinks to celebrate an occasion, like a birthday or professional milestone.

In some cases, it's communicated that it will be a "no-host event," with guests paying for themselves. If not, it's understood that the host will treat the group.

Twice in recent months, when the check came, one of the guests has proclaimed that the group would treat the host. There is not much to be done in the moment without looking cheap or ungenerous, but I feel annoyed that one person has unilaterally made a decision for which I have to pay.

Is there anything to be done to avoid this scenario?

GENTLE READER: Your friends may be gainfully employed, but they are not what Miss Manners would call adults. Anyone who thinks they can get away with such behavior and still have friends has much maturing to do.

The immediate solution, if you do not feel like dropping such people entirely, is to decline invitations to "milestone" events -- which seem to be increasing at an alarming rate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a dinner party at our home, my husband left the table momentarily, and a guest picked up his mug of coffee to look at the novelty message on it. When my husband returned, he was angry, stating that it is bad manners to touch someone else's cup.

Is that so? Does the message on the mug invite inspection? Or was the guest unforgivably rude?

GENTLE READER: Unforgivably? As in, so bad as to never be excused, ever?

Miss Manners agrees there is an indelicacy to handling another diner's place settings. But if this had been a formal dinner, the coffee would have been served afterwards -- and in china, not a witty mug.

Family and friends can expect a bit more understanding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for company employees to address customers by their given names?

Banks do it, call centers do it, salespeople do it. I always appreciate being called "Mr. Smith" instead of just "Bob," but it rarely happens.

When called "Bob," I often feign surprise and say, "Oh! Do I know you personally?" When they say no, I reply, "When you called me by my given name, I thought perhaps we knew each other." Or sometimes I simply respond, "It's Mr. Smith."

Miss Manners, kindly tell everybody off who commits this deadly sin, and praise me for trying to shore up traditional manners. Surely that's not too much to ask.

GENTLE READER: Certainly that is how Miss Manners prefers to be addressed by company employees. But these days, she feels some sympathy for company employees who are, as you say, told off on a regular basis -- no matter what they do.

The proper form of address is one that is respectful and that the customer prefers -- for themselves. Note that this courtesy does not extend to allowing them to dictate the form of address for everyone else.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN