ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a communication issue with my nieces and nephews, who are about to be college-age. They are my brother-in-law's kids. Their grandmother (my partner's mother) feeds them an inventory of our possessions, encouraging them to ask us for these items.

She has suggested that the nieces and nephews beg for my jewelry and musical instruments -- while I'm still using and enjoying them. For example, the kids asked for my jewelry and made it clear they wanted GOLD, so I told them I only have costume jewelry and some plated gold. They said "Ewww!" and ran back to tell Grandma, "She only has PLATED gold! Ugghhhh."

Her son and I are a childless couple, which seems to have invited this "finders-keepers" attitude of hers. She assumes that these items will be available to anyone, since we don't have kids. (I have siblings on my side of the family, but she doesn't know them.)

Maybe I should tell the kids I pawned the instruments. Is there a good way to teach discretion to teens in a situation like this?

The larger issue is that they are too willing to act on Grandma's lower instincts to grab valuables from the less-favored couple and hand resources to the "golden children" of the family.

GENTLE READER: Whether Grandma is the scout on these would-be heists strikes Miss Manners as beside the point: A 17-year-old is old enough to know that demanding that someone hand over their jewelry is not something polite people do (except in watch repair shops).

Trying to convince these teens that the goods are not worth stealing seems tantamount to giving up. Better to look slightly scandalized at the next request, and say, with a slightly patronizing smile, "Well, I'm still playing this guitar; surely you are not looking forward to my death."

If the grandmother brings it up directly, you can say, "I'm sure you'll leave them well provided for, so they shouldn't be told to expect anything from me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a friendly, but introverted, person. I enjoy the company of others in very small doses.

After living in the woods for well over a decade, I agreed to move to a suburban community to nurture my husband's extrovert nature. The houses are very close together, so there is no real privacy when outside.

I am happy to meet new people and develop friendships, but I would like to politely establish boundaries. For example, I don't want to be expected to chat with my neighbors over the backyard fence. I would like to keep that space for myself.

Do you have any advice on how I may tactfully set boundaries without turning people off? I don't want to say anything that may close doors for my husband, but I also want some space to recharge without hiding in my basement.

GENTLE READER: Raise the fence, and lower your gaze when passing it. If you get caught, look distracted, apologize, and say pleasantly that you are so sorry you cannot stop to talk.

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN