Mirjam Swanson: What a Monday night mess for the Rams' offense

INGLEWOOD, Calif. — Truly, dear reader, I’m impressed with your constitution.

Because if you’re reading this after that, you definitely have a strong stomach.

Or you’re a real devotee, a real Rams fan – or, conversely perhaps, a fan of the Miami Dolphins.

Whichever of the above, we’ll all learn soon enough whether the Rams will come to rue the day they failed to find paydirt even once in a 23-15 Monday night loss that was as unlike Coach Sean McVay’s team as it was unbecoming.

They could.

With any more performances like Monday’s at home, they absolutely could live to regret what happened at SoFi Stadium on Monday. With just a little bad luck, they could. If the football deities want to come down on them for whatever that was Monday night, well, you’d understand.

Because while the Dolphins – now 3-6 – were operating in a state of desperation to keep their waning postseason hopes alive, the Rams’ offense went about its business as if it knew it had room for error in an NFC West without an especially formidable frontrunner.

The Arizona Cardinals are 6-4, the San Francisco 49ers are 5-4 and now the Rams and Seattle Seahawks are 4-5. Maybe take a night off?

Alone with the Dolphins on ESPN’s Monday Night showcase, the Rams delivered – coming through with a comedy of errors.

You know the old saying: Open mouth, insert foot?

The Rams’ offense remixed it: Extend foot, shoot foot.

Again and again and again.

After the Dolphins put up their first seven points fewer than three minutes into the game, the Rams responded by going backward and then going three-and-out twice, by throwing an interception, by going three-and-out again and then by losing a fumble.

Along the way, they made it eight out of nine scoreless first quarters in 2024.

So, since we’re keeping score, just wanted to say, hey, friend to the end of this column: Love that you’re still here.

A real glutton for punishment you must be to still be thinking about the four times Stafford was sacked for 25 yards – by a team that had one sack in its previous three games. Blame a reshuffled offensive line, if you want, because even McVay seemed to think reintroducing Steve Avila and Jonah Jackson as starters after they’d just come off the IR hurt: “That’s why you hear us talk about the importance of continuity.”

You might be a masochist, if your mind is still replaying the ill-timed penalties, including the false start on Beaux Limmer that erased kicker Joshua Karty’s 52-yard field goal and pushed his second attempt back to 57 yards – 2 yards further than the career-best 55-yarder he had just made and 2 yards too long, it turned out. Karty made five field goals Monday and missed just the one, responsible for all of the Rams’ points.

Stafford also misfired in the red zone a handful of times, the sure-handed receiver Puka Nacua let a good one get through his mitts on another drive, and running back Kyren Williams was out there giving Miami’s Kader Kohou a wet willy, sticking his finger through the earhole of Kohou’s helmet.

Yeah, I don’t know either. But stay with me now, just a little longer.

Because it was that kind of night, when anything that could go wrong, did go wrong for an offense that proved a wretched complement to its defensive counterparts, who held an explosive Dolphins team to only two touchdowns and 238 yards.

The good news: With a short week before they travel to New England to face the Patriots, the Rams won’t have to dwell on Monday’s mess for too much longer.

“I kind of love it,” said Stafford, who finished 32 for 46 for 293 yards. “Let’s go back to work. Obviously don’t enjoy losing football games, so let’s get back out there as soon as we can and try to go win one.”

The bad news: If they’re going to learn anything from the debacle against the Dolphins, and avoid the type of consequences such performances tend to bring about, McVay and his team will have to subject themselves to watching it again.

Fortunately for you, you don’t have to … although I have a hunch that you are the kind of fan who might.

____